Birthdays and Superpowers. Or Not?

'To Thine Own Self Be True'

Have you ever seen an American movie where someone goes to AA and receives one of those sobriety chips at the end of the meeting? Those things really exist—and not just in movies! They’re as much a part of Twelve Step programs as bread is to a bakery. Here in Flanders, too, we receive chips at the end of a meeting. Personally, I find them very encouraging and helpful in my recovery process. Now, there’s a lot to say about them, but today I want to focus on something written on the front in big, bold letters: ‘TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE’.

I believe there’s a reason why exactly that is written on the chips. It’s the most important goal of recovery. Not doing a lot of service, having a bunch of sponsees, or serving on committees. No, the goal of recovery is to find our true selves and remain true to it. And that’s exactly what I didn’t do this week. Unfortunately.

Last week was my birthday, and I got to blow out 36 candles. Birthdays have always been special in our family, and we always celebrate them in style, so I’d been looking forward to it for a long time! My self-made crocheted garland had been hanging up a week in advance (which my six-year-old niece thought was a bit over the top, but I disagreed! ) Months ago, I’d agreed with my best friend that I’d spend the afternoon with her, that we’d go somewhere for some tea, and then go home before dinner. That sounded perfect and just right, and exactly the balance I need: enough time in the morning for prayer, meditation, and quietly preparing my food (which takes a lot of time, given my dietary style), doing something fun together in the afternoon, and enough time in the evening to wind down. Perfect, then! But a week beforehand, I suddenly also felt the need to be with my sister and the kids on my birthday, and after I asked my sister, she suggested organizing a birthday breakfast at their house. Perfect, I thought, that way I can rest for a few more hours afterward before going to my friend’s. But: the day before, I also suddenly felt the urge to go have dinner at my mom’s, even though we’d already celebrated my birthday there three days earlier. And so I suddenly had three plans that day: a birthday breakfast at my sister’s, the afternoon with my best friend, and then dinner at my parents’ house. I had no doubt that would be exhausting, but come on, it’s my birthday! That should give me enough energy and joy to handle it all, right?

Unfortunately, though. I could already feel it the night before: I was dead tired. Even then, and my birthday hadn’t even started yet! I’d done too much that day. Not with other people, because I’d planned two days alone just to get some proper rest. And yet I’d done too much, and I’d gone too deep into my energy reserves. Oh man, that wasn’t the plan! I already knew then that I wouldn’t be able to have dinner with my parents, and I canceled that right then. I was really sorry about that, but it was the most realistic thing to do. Luckily, we’d already celebrated a few days earlier!

On my birthday itself, I was completely exhausted, and I would have paid anything to be able to rest, unwind, and sleep. But: I had my fun plans! I went to my sister’s, and the kids’ excitement for my birthday was very contagious. I enjoyed their love, their joy, the sweet and wonderful birthday gifts they gave me, and the candle on the pancake that I got to blow out!

My niece had written “Tata 36” in the sugar sprinkles beforehand. Cute, isn't it?

Two hours later, I cycled home, and I collapsed like a pancake. I was so, so, so tired. Did I have a good time? Absolutely! You should see the other photos—I’m beaming in them! But I was dead tired afterward. So tired that I had to cancel my plans with my best friend. She was super understanding (the sweetheart!), but I was bummed out as hell. I crawled into bed, slept all afternoon, and then cried all evening. I was drowning in self-pity—it was unbelievable. What kind of loser is lying there alone on her birthday, sleeping and feeling so down? That wasn’t how I’d imagined my 36th birthday! I had so many fun plans, and look what came of them...

And there—as I realized later—lay the problem: I had too many plans. The plans I’d made for that one day were what I usually do in a whole week, not in a single day! I denied who I really am, what I’m capable of, and how I actually want to live (which is calmly and in balance), all for the sake of the high of having a birthday. I’d let myself get caught up in my own thoughts and expectations!

Is that bad? At the time, it felt terrible. I had a rotten day and felt more self-pity than I had in the entire past year combined! But there is a valuable lesson in it, and that is that I want to be true to myself, in everything I do. Birthdays don’t grant sudden superpowers, and they demand what every day demands of me: slowness, balance, and connection with myself. Above all, I’ve learned from it. Looking back, my birthday week was an exact representation of my life: a nice mix of fun, social activities and enough rest. Dinner at my mom and stepdad’s on Monday, breakfast at my sister’s on Thursday, seeing my dad and stepmom on Sunday, and in between, mostly plenty of rest, meetings, and time with God. And my best friend? Her birthday is in three weeks, and when we meet up then, we’ll celebrate both of our birthdays! Not too shabby, right?