From Resentment to Love

Last Tuesday, I went to pick up my little niece from school. It’s actually very rare for me to pick up just her, without her brother. Both kids are in first grade, but they’re in different classes. Last week, both classes went on a two-day field trip to the countryside, but not together. My nephew went from Tuesday to Wednesday, and my niece was supposed to leave two days later, from Thursday to Friday. So when I went to pick up E from school on Tuesday, her brother wasn’t there.

As she walked out of the school gate, I could tell right away that something was wrong. She did smile when she saw me, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Her shoulders were slumped, and her stride wasn’t nearly as lively or carefree as usual. I asked her if everything was okay, and she immediately held up a little craft project she was holding in her hand and said: “I made this for V! (her brother)” Before I put her in the child bike seat and asked if I shouldn’t put the craft project safely in her backpack instead, she said she’d rather hold it. At that point, I should have known what was going on: she missed her brother, of course!

We hadn’t even cycled halfway down the street, and she started talking. That she misses V so, so much. That they’d both cried when they said goodbye that morning, that she thought it was “super stupid” that he wasn’t at school or on the playground today, that she doesn’t want him to sleep over there tonight, and that she’d had a stomachache all day.

I understood the kid. Those two are almost always together, especially at night and at school. Whenever I’ve asked them in the past who they like to play with on the playground, it always turned out to be each other. “But also with A, J, and M, of course!” Anyway, long story short, those two really love each other. It made sense to me that she’d miss him now.

While we were biking, she talked about her stomachache, missing him, and everything related to that. But once that was out of the way, we went back to more everyday things. About two swans sitting by the side of the road and how they’d seen them before when they went swimming with Mom and Dad, and about swimming lessons, and everything a normal six-year-old talks about. So, all good. Go ahead, my sweetie, talk away. Tata is listening.

When we came to a red light, close to my place and about twenty minutes into our bike ride, she suddenly said that, when she was crying in class, her teacher had told her “not to spout any nonsense.” Uh, WHAT?! I instantly went from Tata to lioness!

Me: “WHAT did your teacher say?!”
E: “That I wasn’t allowed to spout nonsense” (complete with a sad little face and tears in her eyes)
Me: “Did she say that exactly?”
E: “Yes. I missed V during recess and I was crying in line, and then the teacher said, ‘No, E, we’re not going to do that. And when we were in the classroom, I started crying again and she said I shouldn't spout any nonsense."

Look, if you say something like that to one of my two little darling, I only want to do one thing: go and give that teacher a piece of my mind! I was so angry. Who does that teacher think she is?! I was really annoyed, and I had absolutely no intention of hiding that from my niece. Don’t get me wrong, I was in control and didn’t lose my temper at all, but I was angry. It seemed to do my niece a world of good; she seemed to feel loved and understood by it (something I can relate to, by the way. I remember being bullied in first grade by the “big kids” in third grade, and when Mom went to school to talk to those kids, I also felt very protected and loved by my mom! So I can imagine how my niece must have felt at that moment. It’s actually a pretty nice feeling!)

Once we got home, we made the best of it. We did homework and ate together, and snuggled up on the couch to watch the video of her very first dance performance from a few months ago. She said she still misses her brother, “but that it’s already a little bit better now.” Mission accomplished!

The next day, the teacher’s reaction was still bothering me. I noticed I was still holding a grudge, even though I’d prayed at least twenty times: “God, take this resentment away from me, and bless and protect that teacher. May she have a beautiful day and a beautiful life, with a wonderful family and happy moments.” Praying like that usually helps. Wishing the other person well, even—or especially—when I don’t mean it. It’s what Jesus meant by loving your enemies. Asking Him to take the resentment away from me, truly surrendering it to Him, usually helps too.

But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s not enough, and I have to write a resentment inventory about the situation. That’s a wonderfully effective Twelve Step tool that really works in most situations. Resentment usually melts away like snow in the sun. For me, after nearly five and a half years in the program, writing resentment inventories has become the most natural thing in the world. I don’t even think about it anymore. It wasn’t until I was out having a nice evening with my sister on Sunday night, and I mentioned that I’d written a resentment inventory about the situation and what it looked like, that I realized how most people aren’t even aware this tool exists, and how useful it could actually be for just about anyone. We all experience resentment from time to time. How often are we irritated by people who make a stupid comment, who cut us off in traffic, or colleagues who act annoyingly? Resentment inventories are a great tool for that. They ensure that our feelings can be fully experienced and transformed. Why is that important? Because otherwise, it will destroy us. Denying or suppressing emotions makes us sick. Feeling our emotions fully—and even examining our own role in the situation—brings healing.


So here it is, in the hope that it might be inspiring: my resentment inventory on last week’s situation.

Who?

E’s teacher.

Why? (19 words or fewer, to avoid writing a whole essay full of accusations)

Because she didn’t acknowledge or validate E’s feelings of sadness.

Where was I...

- Selfish/self-centered? (Where do I expect people to do what I want them to do, because it benefits me?)

I want everyone to always be kind, considerate, and understanding, especially when it comes to me or my loved ones. I want them to behave the way I want them to, so that I feel emotionally safe. In this case, I wanted the teacher to acknowledge and validate my niece’s feelings, so that she would have the space to be herself and let her sadness subside.

- Dishonest (the question I always ask myself here is: ‘When in my life have I ever behaved the same way as the person I’m now harboring resentment toward?’ It might have been in a different situation, but it could very well have been the same behavior I exhibited there. For me, answering this question is like a cold shower: my resentment melts away like snow in the sun, knowing that I’ve done the same thing before!)

When I used to be a teacher, I was sometimes very stressed and didn’t always have room for the children’s feelings. Often I did, because I really tried my best. But even now, I can recall at least five situations where I wasn’t like that and my behavior was really not okay. Days when I was stressed or tired, and there was no room for the children's feelings. For example, because it was raining that day and I had just supervised the playground for fifteen minutes and the kids had nearly killed each other (rain and kids in elementary school... every teacher knows that’s an absolute disaster!). After such a recess, when they demanded too much of my attention, I’d snap at them too and didn’t want to hear a word of it. Or if I was determined to get through the lesson material that day because they had a test on it the next day (since that had to go on their report card!), I didn’t have time for crying kids. We just had to keep going.
Or, closer to my current life: I really try to be a calm, kind aunt to V and E, but I’m just a human being too, and sometimes that doesn’t work out. If I’ve slept poorly, or I’m in the middle of PMS and walking around with a body full of hormones, then I’m not always calm and kind either. Then I can snap and be short as well. I always try to make it up to them as soon as possible, but again, I’m only human and sometimes that just happens. It’s no different for E’s teacher, and realizing that suddenly takes away my resentment and anger: she’s a human being, just like me, and she makes mistakes.

- Afraid (because fear is always at the root of resentment!)

I’m afraid that E will be unhappy, feel misunderstood by the world, or that she’ll learn that her feelings don’t matter and she has to suppress them. I’m afraid that because of this, she’ll grow up without a deep connection to her inner world and will learn to walk around with a façade.

Personally, I find it helpful to examine the fears that resentment inventory brings to light. Why am I afraid of this, and how can I bring God into this situation? And what does He want me to do? This often really helps me. I can’t handle this situation, but God can. What is His part, and what is mine? “We are not in the world to do God’s job, but to do God’s work,” I once heard someone say. I think that’s true. Saving and guiding people is His task, not mine. But I can look at what I can do, and in this case, that means being understanding toward E’s teacher and respecting her demanding job, and being present and loving toward V, E, and my whole family. It’s normal for children not to always be understood by their teacher, but what’s important is that they have a loving family to come home to, and that’s what my niece and nephew have. The fact that she could tell me was important. And when we got home, she immediately asked if I would text everything to her mom and dad, and when my sister and brother-in-law came to pick her up, they truly understood how much she missed her brother and made some suggestions for the rest of the evening so she wouldn’t feel so alone. You could see her brighten up right away! This is doing God’s work in this world, and it’s something we can concretely do.

The resentment inventory can be applied to just about any situation, especially to everyday (but not to be underestimated) little resentments. Anyone can do it, and once you get the hang of it, it only takes a minute or two to mentally work through the questions. I do it on my bike, or just anywhere. It really works!

From resentment to love, by working the Fourth Step. Not because it benefits the other person, but because it makes us feel freer, calmer, and happier! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!