On the Waves of the Spirit

When I found my way to recovery and to church more than five years ago, I did exactly what was asked of me, whenever it was asked of me. It was like that in my Twelve Step program, but also in church. During Advent, I lit the right number of candles at home, set up my little nativity scene, and on Christmas Day, the baby Jesus appeared and was allowed to take its place in the stable. And when it was Lent and we were apparently expected to fast in anticipation of Easter, I did so. We were told to set a “Lenten resolution” (a term I’d never heard before, by the way), and that we could ignore it on Sundays, because those Sundays leading up to Easter apparently don’t count toward the forty days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. And so I did that. My first Lenten resolution was to give up tea, because I felt I was seeking too much solace in tea, when I believed that solace could only be found in Jesus. That Lenten season was—to be honest—not easy. I wasn’t aware of it at all before Lent, but apparently I drank a lot of very strong black tea, and my body had come to rely on it. That first week of Lent was therefore accompanied by the usual physical withdrawal symptoms. Not surprising, considering I’d let a tea bag steep all night so I could drink it cold in the morning... In any case, after Lent, I had learned two things: the first was that Jesus didn’t mind at all that I found comfort in tea, and the second was that I didn’t want to drink black tea anymore. I want a life free from dependence on substances or people, so black tea was crossed off my list. That Lenten season was therefore very instructive and beneficial. That’s why, in the two years that followed, I approached fasting in the same way. The church told me when and how long to fast, and I decided how I would do it. In itself, not bad.

But the more my spiritual life evolved, and the more I connected with the God within me, the more I felt led by the Spirit to fast at other times as well. That fasting occurred at seemingly very random moments throughout the year, but each time I knew—I felt with every fiber of my being—that it was right.

I knew that the Holy Spirit was guiding me in this, just as He did with Jesus. After all, the Gospel states ‘that Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where He fasted for forty days and forty nights.’ It does not say that He was led by religious institutions, by the law, or by what other people told Him to do. No, He was led by the Spirit.

I myself once fasted from food during the nine days before Christmas. A completely random moment, which wasn’t planned, but was suddenly inspired in me. During the fast, I stuck to my food plan, but ate only very lean foods, and so I was starving. Very good, because that was what God asked of me at that moment, and my spiritual life soared to great heights because of it. But after those nine days, enough was enough: God told me to go back to eating good and fatty food, and so I suddenly started eating lots of salami, dry sausage, and all those wonderfully good things again. Or as Ecclesiastes says: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

I also once fasted from my WhatsApp use, because I felt it was getting out of hand and I was losing my connection with myself, God, and others (the latter is ironic, given WhatsApp’s supposed purpose...). I deleted the app, and even though I thought that would be “forever,” after a few weeks it became clear that it was too soon. At that point in my recovery, I wasn’t ready for it yet. Three years later, I deleted the app again, but this time the time was right: WhatsApp stayed off my phone, and it’s been that way for two years now. For me, it’s the right way.

God guides me through a period of fasting and tells me afterward what to do with it: return to my old habits (like with my eating), continue but with some adjustments (like with the tea), or remain abstinent just like during the fast (like with WhatsApp).

Over the past month, I’ve also gone through a strict period of fasting, though at first I didn’t realize that’s what it was. I thought it was something God was asking of me once and for all. Now it turns out that wasn’t the case, but there were some very important lessons in it for me. Personally, I find the timing quite striking, because it didn’t coincide at all with the church’s Lenten season. On the contrary, looking back, my fast turns out to have started exactly on Easter! Now, to be honest: the last time I went to church was—with the exception of one Protestant service about a month and a half ago—four months ago. And because I no longer follow the rhythm of the church, Ash Wednesday and the entire Lenten season had completely slipped my mind. I actually think that’s a good thing, because I’d rather ride the waves of the Spirit than those of any religious institution, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

Anyway, I fasted again. This time—and I’ve written about this before, so this isn’t a surprise—it was from books and worship music. And by books, I mean all books, including the Bible. Why? Because I wanted to know if it’s true. I wanted to know if the God I believe in is real to me, or if He was spoon-fed to me by a religious institution, just like fasting during certain periods was. I wanted to know if Jesus is really God. Because it’s easy to believe that when you hear it over and over again in religious music or books. That way, you can believe anything. Read, let's say, the sentence “Men are dumb” every day (which is obviously not true—I’m just giving an example!), and after a while you’ll internalize it, live by it, and actually see and believe that men are dumb, because you’ve drilled it into yourself. A self-fulfilling prophecy, they call that in psychology. And so, since I hadn’t attended church services for three months and realized I didn’t need fixed rituals and customs, it seemed right to me to question Jesus as well. That’s something I’ve actually heard dozens of times in a song, but never really could or wanted to understand before. In All Over Again, Ryan Ellis says the following between verses (in far-from-perfect English):

And sometimes take really hard things
And things to make you question who God is, for you to understand who He really is
Sometimes you’ve got to question Him so that you really find out His goodness
If you’re not questioning His goodness, I think you guys need to switch the conversation
Unless you know, you know, sometimes you just say during that season: God is good
But in some seasons you’re just like, Can You really handle this?
Can You really do it again?
I’m done
He does it every time

And I feel like we have to keep that in our relationship
I have to keep rediscovering Him, just like my wife, just like my kids, just like my friends
You have to keep rediscovering Him, and so
That’s my prayer for tonight, my prayer for my life—it’s just that Jesus never wants me to think I have
You know? Never let me think I know for sure; keep me on my toes

I never really understood what he was saying here. Why would you ever doubt Jesus? When you know, you know. Yet I felt led by the Spirit to doubt, or at least to do so for a while—as long as He asked me to—without the influence of others, so that I could experience for myself who He is.

It was an interesting time. While a month ago I didn’t know if it was true, I am now 100% certain: Jesus is God. Jesus is Lord, my Lord, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He redeems me; He sets me free. He is the Shepherd, the one and only Shepherd. He leaves His flock of sheep to go look for me, Nathalie, when I stray.

And I have strayed. Not often, but still. I have been tempted quite often over the past month. That is also mentioned in the Gospel of Matthew: that Jesus was led by the Spirit to be tested by the devil. And while Jesus, the Lamb of God who was without sin, could parry every attack, I could not. Mostly I did, through my steadfastness, through my faith, through working the Steps, and by actively participating in the program and the fellowship. But as Jesus himself said: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matt 26:41), I too was put to the test. Despite all the world’s willingness to live a spiritual life, free from the chains of addiction, I too succumbed to the devil’s cunning schemes. It’s part of being human, I suppose.

It was difficult, and it was extremely painful. It was emotionally and spiritually very disruptive, and both I and the people around me could feel it. But it had one advantage: afterward, I threw myself, with my whole being, into Jesus’ arms. And for the first time in a month, I knew: now it is right to listen to worship music again. Now God is asking this of me. And I cried my eyes out. First out of despair, then out of joy, because He was there for me, through and in the music. He surrounded and embraced me, carried me, and wiped away my tears. And I knew: It is Him. He is the man of my life; He is life itself; He is the One who gives life. He is everything, He created everything, and everything belongs to Him. That was so palpable, right down to the depths of my being. Jesus is Lord. And He loves me. He left His sheep to seek me out, took me in, and held me tight. It had been years since I had felt so deeply connected to Him. That tangible presence of Him, through the music, was what I needed to return to complete surrender, to shake off the devil. I took the right actions and entered fully into prayer. And through that surrender, deliverance came.

What I’ve learned from this very special fasting period is that I don’t need to understand the Bible to know God. I feel who He is, and I get to know Him better by surrendering to Him and thereby discovering my true self. By drawing close to Him and living according to His will. Surrender is the key. “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it," said Jesus Himself (Matt 7:13). It's all about surrender. As Step Three puts it: we give our will and our lives over to the care of God. Meanwhile, I also feel now that I need the Bible to be constantly reminded of what God can do for us, to be reminded of His greatness and goodness. I can use the Bible and worship music to draw closer to Him, but it will never be able to replace surrender. And that, I now see, was an important motivation for my Spirit-led period of fasting. I find it so easy to use music and the Bible as a spiritual bypass, because by taking the shortcut, I don’t have to endure the discomfort and can sidestep surrender. And that is exactly what I no longer wanted to do. I want to live the Bible, not just read it. And that is truly something entirely different.

What lies ahead is also a question mark for me. Will I read the Bible daily again? I don’t know. Will I still listen to worship music every day? I don’t think so. Do I have the answers? Not even a bit But I have learned the most important thing: Jesus is Lord! And for that lesson, I would walk through the desert all over again.