Be at peace with yourself (part 2)

In my previous blog post, I looked at one of the suggestions for a fulfilling life, formulated many years ago by Scott and Helen Nearing. “Be at peace with yourself” was the one I was most inclined to write about first. I split this suggestion into two parts: self-care and self-love on the one hand, and experiencing inner peace on the other. Today it's time for the second part.

A few days ago, when I went to pick up my nephew and niece (both six years old) from school, I had a short but interesting conversation with my nephew—at the bicycle shed, of all places! It went something like this:

V: “My mom and dad don't believe in God, so we don't believe in God either.”

Me: “I know, sweetheart. If your mom and dad would believe in God (my sister and brother-in-law), I would probably know about it.”

V: “And Grandma and Grandpa don't believe in God either. No one in our family does, except you. Why do you believe in God?”

Good question, don't you think? As I searched for an answer, it suddenly dawned on me: I don't believe in God. As in, I never consciously chose to accept God's existence. It's something else, something more... I know God exists and loves me because I experience God. I feel God's presence. And that's not the same as believing that God exists (which I do, of course!).

Me: "That's a good question. I don't believe in God the same way that you might believe that gnomes live in mushrooms or that aliens live in space. It's not a fairy tale, not a story, not a fantasy that I choose to believe in. I feel God, I feel His love within me, and after I had felt that for the first time, I could never pretend I hadn't felt it, I could never not believe again. It had me in its grip and I didn't want to live without it anymore, because I knew I would want to feel God's love forever."

V: (stares at me and then rolls his eyes subtly but clearly) “We've never felt God. Can we go now?” (We were still standing at the school gate putting on our helmets and gloves ;-))

This conversation stuck with me and was a perfect starting point for this second blog post.

It was a few weeks into my recovery that I first experienced that presence, that love of God within me. I can't remember how I came across it, but I had bought the book Instant Healing by Susan Shumsky. The book contains prayers and affirmations and is not at all Christian. But it was exactly what I needed at that moment. It contained prayers that sometimes made me frown, but I couldn't deny that they had some effect on me. Okay, not some effect, but a huge effect! Energy began to flow through me, a pure love and power that I had never experienced before. This was new, and I wanted more of it. It felt sacred (and safe!), like a power beyond all understanding, the pure love that is God Himself. I prayed these prayers often at the time, and they helped me through an incredibly difficult period. I was—and still am—very grateful that that book came into my life.

A few months later, when I was working on my Second Step with my sponsor, “God as I understand Him” began to take on more meaning. The Second Step says, “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” My sponsor gave me the assignment to make that Higher Power very concrete. Who is God to me? Not to others, not to this or that church, but to me personally? And so I wrote down the characteristics of “my God”, black on white, with pen and paper. That was an incredibly valuable exercise, which began to give my relationship with Him depth and substance for the first time. For me, my Higher Power was—and is—everything I ever sought in other people but could never find (not because I didn't try, or because the wrong people were in my life, but because relationships are not meant to give us what is lacking in ourselves). It was a beautiful list, and it still is today. It's also very personal, very intimate, very unique. Something between me and Him. The effect of this is that I experience an overwhelming love, a love that fills me from head to toe. A love that tells me: "Nathalie, I think you are perfect just the way you are. You don't have to achieve anything, do anything, be anything else. You are just as you are, and I want you to be with me in that capacity—in your BEING. Like a child in its mother's womb. Safe and secure, loved and appreciated. Not because of the things you do, but simply because I love you. I know you, I created you, and I loved and protected you even before you were aware of it. I have always been there, and I will forever be there for you. You are safe, you are carried, and you are cherished."

I don't have children myself, so I can't really imagine what a mother's (or father's) love for her child must be like. But I think I come pretty close with my sister's children. On the day her first child, my nephew, was born, and I was holding him in my arms, I knew: 'If I have to, I will give my life for you. I will protect you and love you unconditionally, and I will always be there for you.'

The child just lay there in my arms, doing nothing. He didn't do anything sweet or nice for me, didn't draw me pictures, didn't give me presents for my birthday, didn't give me kisses or hugs, but he just WAS. He breathed, lying there sleeping peacefully, and he was loved. From that very first day, my heart was on fire for him. The love I had for him was beyond words. Impossible to describe.

It was no different with my niece, my godchild. And today, it is still the same. Nothing has changed. I love them with all my heart, just for who they are. Meanwhile, they ‘do’ a lot: they make drawings and bracelets for me, give me birthday and New Year's presents, my nephew always holds my hand when he does his homework with me, my niece sends me emojis and stickers on my sister's smartphone. But none of that can increase (or decrease!) the love I have always felt for them. That love is certain. That love is incredibly great. Unshakeable. Guaranteed.

It is the same with God's love for me. Nothing I do or fail to do can increase or decrease His love for me. I don't have to achieve anything, I don't have to do anything. It is always there. Even when I don't seek Him, don't meditate, don't listen to Christian music or worship Him, He is still there for me, no more and no less than when I do seek Him. He loves us, all of us. Whether we know Him or not, we are His beloved children. But it is when I seek Him, when I open my heart to His love, that I can receive it. It is not a matter of “believing in God”, it is a matter of “being open to God and receiving what He has to offer”.

“Be peace with yourself” was one of the Nearings' suggestions. In the previous blog post, I wrote about the tools I use to take care of myself and love myself. I also wrote that each of these tools would be useful but not effective without the peace and love of God. I hope that in this blog post I have been able to convey why time with Him is so necessary for me. It is an overflowing from Him to me, where I know that I am home and no longer need to search the world. All that remains for me is to abide in Him and enjoy. Like a child in its mother's womb.

Nathalie