And Now: Freedom!

Last Saturday, I felt very vulnerable and empty. My soul cried out for comfort and sought fulfillment. It was then that I wrote A bottle of God, which helped me feel closer to Him again. God, in all His goodness, is always present. No place, time, or emotion can separate me from Him, even though it sometimes feels that way.

On Saturday evening, after writing, I felt fulfilled, safe, and secure. But when I woke up on Sunday morning, I felt as empty as before. Then I knew: there is more going on here, there is something I need to look at. At times like these, my crying soul is like a smoke detector: I can choose to press the button and simply turn off the whole system, but if I don't listen to what it's actually trying to tell me, my house will be on fire before I know it. So I knew I had to find out why I was feeling this way. What was actually going on here? And so I started writing. Not great literature, not a blog post, not a scribble in my notebook. No, just an ordinary text message to a friend, in which I described how I felt and what was going on. Something like that can sometimes work wonders. And by writing it out, something suddenly clicked inside me. Something that was buried very, very deep. An event from many years ago came back to me. I suddenly realized why I felt so empty after my day with my friend: because I was scared. I was terrified that the past would repeat itself, and I was terrified of the incredible pain that had caused me at the time.

And so I was faced with two possible choices: either I let this fear continue to control my life—and throw this friendship in the trash—or I decide to look my fear straight in the eye and break free from it forever. To break the curse here and now. The curse that has caused every honest friendship or relationship to fail so far. So it was time for action!

Instinctively, I felt it was right to call my friend and bring all my fears into the light. I wanted to be accountable, I wanted to tell her: “This is how I've been feeling these past few weeks, how I withdrew from you, how I pretended yesterday that everything was fine, how I didn't dare to face my fears, and how I want to confess all of this to you here and now, so that it won't happen again.” And I did. All my fears, all my pain, she heard it all. And her reaction was so incredibly loving, so non-judgmental, and we came out better because of it. As friends, but also me as a person.

I feel that this has allowed me to make a clear break with the past. As if I myself have broken the chain of my handcuffs. And the only one who could do that was me. No one else could have done it for me. Because of this, I can now move freely in the world again, in relationships, without being limited by my trauma. That is worth a lot, and better and more than I've ever had. But even though they are no longer attached to each other, the handcuffs themselves are still around my wrists. Maybe they will stay there for the rest of my life, I don't know. Perhaps in every relationship, in every close friendship, I will feel these fears and be reminded of my trauma. That is possible. And that is okay, I can live with that. As long as I can act freely and grow in an authentic relationship with myself and others, they can stay there for all I care. If they do not limit me, I am fine with it.

What I did last weekend, I wasn't able to do a year ago. For years, when I was in great pain and sorrow, I just sought refuge in God. I prayed, I listened to music, and I meditated. I talked about my feelings with other people, but not with those who were primarily involved. Because I wasn't ready yet, because it wasn't safe yet. The fact that I was able to take a step further now is a huge victory for me. This is a step toward freedom, toward healing. I may always be reminded of how it used to be, but I will no longer have to act on it. Today I am free. Because man's freedom does not lie in the fact that he can do what he wants, but that he does not have to do what he does not want to do.

Have all my wounds suddenly healed? Far from it! More will be revealed. But for now, I am more than happy!