A Pink Cloud Can't Last Forever...

Grandma use to pray out loud
By her bed every night
To me it sounded like mumbling
Like she was out of mind
She said, "Boy this kind of praying
Is what saved my life
You oughta try it some time"
And now I know she was right
Talking to Jesus - Elevation Worship and Maverick City Music

This morning I was cleaning my apartment, with a YouTube Christian playlist playing in the background. I didn’t know the first few songs, until I suddenly heard one that I know all too well, but hadn’t heard in a very long time: Talking to Jesus. The song made me think back to the beginning of my spiritual journey, a period that was both wonderful and awful.

I’ve written before about how I ended up in a Twelve Step program five years ago. It wasn’t because I was doing so great. No, I was completely chained to my addiction, and my life had truly spiraled out of control. I didn’t want to live anymore, and I couldn’t go on. I truly lacked all strength. So when I joined the Twelve Step community and started working the Steps with a sponsor, I was willing to go to any lengths. Anything to get me out of this hell! Anything, except praying. No way was I going to pray; I wouldn’t even consider it. I heard others in meetings talk about how they prayed and how their relationship with their Higher Power set them free. I thought it was great for them—honestly!—but it wasn’t for me.

But after three weeks in the program, staying sober by sheer willpower, I couldn’t take it anymore and was planning to do something really stupid. I called my sponsor at the time, a Spanish woman, and she simply asked me, “Have you prayed yet?”

I replied that I didn't need to pray because I didn't believe in God. She said I might want to give it a try. “It doesn't cost anything and only takes a few seconds of your time, and after all, what have you got to lose?” As much as I wanted to disagree with her, I really couldn’t argue with that. So, why not?

I then said my very first prayer, and it went something like this:

“Um, God,
I don't know if you exist, and I don't know if you can hear me.
But if you can, please help me. Please, help me.
Um, bye” 

At that moment, I just felt ridiculous. What kind of nutcase talks to the clouds? Anyway, my best thinking had led me to the depths of hell, so listening to my sober sponsor’s suggestions didn’t seem like the worst idea.

An hour later, I was on my bike, on my way to do that stupid and destructive thing I had planned. And suddenly I felt, somewhere deep in my gut, that I shouldn’t do it. And I didn’t know why, but I knew it was right, that I had to listen to this gut feeling. I had never experienced anything like this before!

I called my sponsor afterward, and she said, “That is God. That, Nathalie, is God. Follow that, always.”

She couldn’t have given me a better or greater gift. That is God. Another sponsor might have said something completely different, but she said that! God lives within us and speaks to us, and if we listen to Him and walk His path, our lives will improve. And a life that needed to improve—I really needed that. I was desperate. During my first year of sobriety, I wasn’t as suicidal as before (the active plans had been swept off the table, thank God), but I still felt depressed. Every night, when I laid my head on my pillow, I begged God not to let me wake up in the morning. I just couldn’t take it anymore. And every morning I woke up, and I asked Him, often already crying: “Why? Why, oh why? I can’t take it anymore.” But He wanted it, and so I had to keep going.

During that same period, I worked through the first three Steps. In this blog post, I already wrote about how, in the Second Step, I was able to define my own Higher Power. I discovered a presence, a love, that is greater than I can comprehend. And I needed that; I needed (and still need!) it so badly. I also started going to church then, and I often sought refuge in the chapel of the psychiatric hospital where I was in therapy at the time. But also—and aside from the Twelve Steps, nothing has given my spiritual life such a boost as this!—I discovered worship music. The very, very, very first song I ever heard was Talking to Jesus. I loved it, even though the lyrics didn’t match my own life at all. Unlike the singer, I wasn’t raised religiously (something for which I’m actually very grateful!). What I did relate to was the comforting aspect of “talking to Jesus” (though for me at the time it was more the entity of God, and I didn’t quite see what Jesus had to do with it). The love, the “magical feeling,” radiated from it, and I absolutely loved it. After that, I discovered there were many more songs like this one. A whole new world opened up for me, and every song brought—and still brings—me closer to God’s love.

Listening to Talking to Jesus this morning catapulted me back to that first year in recovery. As I said, it was awful. I didn’t want to live anymore, but I had to. Ending my own life was no longer an option, so I had to make the best of it. Through the Twelve Steps and the fellowship, I found hope, guidance, and a one-way ticket to a better life. I did my best. I really did, no matter how hard it was. "Trudging the road of Happy Destiny,” says the AA Big Book. Trudging it was! Fortunately, I didn’t have to do it alone, because I suddenly received guidance from the Creator of the universe, God Himself. I felt His overwhelming love and presence, and it was amazing. Every time I prayed, I felt better. No matter how big my problems were, with Him I could handle anything; with Him, everything was better! Back then, I truly believed that anyone who was unhappy or having a hard time just needed to pray a little harder, and they would immediately feel better. (Apparently, I even said that once to a fellow who suffered from depression. Oops!)

Someone who didn’t know me, a Catholic priest, told me back then that I was still on my “pink cloud” with God, but that sooner or later I would fall off it. I totally disagreed! Pink cloud?! Didn’t that person know what a mess my inner life was? There was nothing “pink cloud” about it!

And yet, he was right. Of course he was right! The spiritual life isn’t about praying a little and then feeling better. No, if I want to live a spiritual life, it means that I surrender my will and my life to the care of God as I understand Him. It means that I constantly ask myself, “What does God want me to do?” and that is not the same as, “What do I want to do?”. On the contrary! It takes a lot of courage to give up your own will and trust in God’s will.

The AA Big Book puts it this way:

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we begin to outgrow fear.

Often, God wants things for me that I don’t agree with. He wants me to give up people, places, or activities that I don’t want to give up at all—and I don’t understand why I should. But He knows what I don’t know, and He sees how it will ultimately be bad for me. If I surrender right at the start of the process, I save myself a ton of misery. But often I don’t want to, and I cling to what I want, and I keep trying to convince Him why that would actually be so good for me. And that gets me nowhere.

I have gotten better at it, though—at discerning more quickly when something isn’t right for me, and then giving it up more quickly. But sometimes, very occasionally, I wish I were still on that pink cloud with God, in that magical period at the beginning. No matter how difficult life was back then, with God it was wonderfully simple. It was like the infatuation at the start of a relationship: you see everything through rose-colored glasses, and everything about the other person is incredibly wonderful. But just as infatuation passes, so does infatuation with God, and everything becomes more serious, more real, and more mature. And actually, that’s not so bad at all. A mature relationship is built on mutual trust, peace, and respect. It is based on deep, true love, and no longer on fleeting moments of “intimacy.”

The song Talking to Jesus reminded me this morning of that pink cloud period. It was beautiful. But today is better: there is more peace, and I experience a fundamental sense of happiness and peace. That surpasses all the pink clouds in the world, even the ones with God!