In the emptiness, I find You. Wholeness, fullness, a reason to exist. Because of this, the emptiness is not empty, but rather an opportunity. An opportunity for connection, for Love with a capital L, for coming home. Coming home to the Only One. Coming home to the One who shaped me and gave me a chance at life. A life that today is so much bigger, so much more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. A life filled with warm, loving relationships. With people who genuinely love me, and whom I love just as much. No more empty friendships or relationships, no more bleating without wool. No, quite the opposite: much wool, so much wool. An abundance of wool. We could make ten coats out of it and give them to those who need them. And that is exactly what His love does: it overflows, and it goes to those who need it. The brokenhearted, those who once thought they didn't deserve love. I am allowed to love them, through thick and thin. For years we have been walking together, side by side, sharing everything with one another. Our pain, our big and small joys, our lives, and our healed hearts. Those hearts that were once broken, but are now—just like kintsugi—wonderfully and beautifully restored. More beautiful than they have ever been. More beautiful than an undamaged, supposedly perfect heart. The cracks are visible, restored in their full glory. That is us, we who walk the path of recovery together.
Life as a sponsor in a twelve-step program is wonderfully beautiful. Or better yet: it can be. I have been sponsoring other women for four years now, which means I guide them through the Twelve Steps and walk the path of recovery alongside them. They share their pain and joy with me, and I try to listen and accept them exactly as they are, to later share my own experiences with similar situations. Especially in the beginning, this often came with challenges, because I had no clue how to actually be in a relationship with other women. Making the Steps work like a kind of homework, that was something I could do. But did I need to contact them, or they me? Should I have them call me every single day, like a watchdog that would growl and bark loudly if they took half a step out of line? Or should I let them go and let them walk their own path? And how loose is too loose? When am I being true to myself, and when am I enabling the other person in her addiction?
The answer came over the years. I am not the sponsor; God is. He knows what each of these women needs, and when they need it. He lets them fall, stand up, grow, and bear fruit, just as He did with me. Today I have five sponsees, and I love them all to pieces. The Real Connection. My heart overflows with love for them, and tonight in particular, I feel honored to be their sponsor. That they trust me, and love me. That they see me as a human being, and give me the space and opportunity to cry, laugh, and share myself when I need to. That they dare to and can be angry with me, and are able to talk about it with me afterward. That they feel safe enough with me.
I often don’t realize what an honor it is to be allowed to walk alongside them. I genuinely enjoy the weekly (video) calls, but I often fail to see the grandeur of it all. Tonight I do. Tonight I am overflowing with love. These relationships are so beautiful. It feels as if my heart is ten times bigger tonight than it actually is. But what is reality, after all?
Without God, these relationships would be worthless and empty. Without His guidance, His gentleness, and love, they wouldn't have even survived the years. But with Him, under His loving guidance, they are incomprehensibly grand and beautiful. So much trust, so much safety. So much courage.
Courage. If there is one thing needed to be in recovery, it is courage. And rigorous honesty. In the first place with yourself, then with God, and finally with your sponsor. I haven't had one myself for a few months now. Or well, yes, I have God. The True sponsor. The One who knows me through and through. I do this with Him and my sisters. And the love grows. It grows in my heart. It overflows, and it provides. Those sheep with the wool. Much wool. Warmth, affection, a blanket of gentleness.
A blanket that covers and warms me when I need it. When I’m not feeling so well for a moment, but also when I feel amazing. Every minute of every day. And the emptier I feel, the fuller I become. Full of love, guidance, grace, Presence. It is an opportunity. An opportunity to connect with the Only One. And from that fullness, I try to go out into the world. But just like a smartphone needs to recharge regularly, I need to do that too. And I know who my charger is. For Him I choose today, and all the days of my life.
