The chains of addiction

"A moment of peace of mind is better
than anything else you could ever strive for"

YES! I can blog again! Yippee!!

It's not that I couldn't blog last week, or that I didn't want to, but it just didn't feel right anymore. I needed a break, and that's exactly what this blog post is about.

The break wasn't necessary because I was tired of writing or because I had run out of ideas. I have plenty of motivation and ideas, that's not the problem. No, I needed a break because I couldn't breathe anymore. I had written so much in the last few weeks—and don't underestimate the time spent tinkering with the website itself—that it had not only become too much and too heavy, but it had also completely taken over my mind. My perfectionism had gotten the better of me, and of course I paid a price for that. Both in terms of time spent (20 hours a week is a bit too much...) and peace of mind. It all became very compulsive, and there seemed to be little free will left. I was aware of that, mind you. It wasn't that I didn't realize it.

Because I know from experience that when I try to make deals with God, my behavior is off. “Yes, I'm tired and I should be sleeping, but I really want to reread and correct that text from earlier today” (at 11:30 p.m. Yep). Or: “I know I should be cooking and eating now, but first I want to adjust all those buttons so they have rounded corners” (I really wish this was a joke, but unfortunately...).

Still, my compulsive behavior wasn't what stopped me. I was able to justify it well enough; I'm a real pro at that. Only... my body protested. For two weeks already. I was tired, my muscles burned from my toes to my shoulders, and I had such a headache that at times I thought my head would explode (can you imagine that? My slimy brains sticking to the walls? If you have to clean that up, brrr!). Well, at that point, I was done pleading with God. I'd had enough. My body was tired, and my mind was tired too. So I wanted to stop editing and writing for a few days. But... I couldn't. It was stronger than myself. There was a force within me—not from me, but within me—that made me do what I didn't want to do. A force much stronger than myself and one I cannot fight. And so I prayed to God that He would make it stop. What happened then is something I have experienced hundreds of times... God didn't stop it by magic, He didn't take the compulsion away from me. But He did show me a way out. He opens the door for me, but I'm the one who has to walk through it. I'm the one who has to adapt, not Him. “Take the actions, and the feelings will follow” is a well-known Twelve Step slogan. You can easily see why.

Many things we do or encounter in our lives are beautiful and good by nature, and absolutely given by God. But because we also dare to let ourselves be controlled by this negative force within us, we can turn that good into something bad. I will give a few examples, all taken from my own life...

• Alcohol. In itself, I don't think there's anything wrong with alcohol—Jesus Himself drank wine!—but when I can't live without it, then of course, there's something's wrong. Been there, done that. And not just a little. AA to the rescue! The advantage of alcohol: a person can live perfectly well without it. No baby is born with an innate need for alcohol. Take away the bottle, and life returns. (And yes, I can say that because I am sober for 10 years, even though it seemed impossible at the time).

• Relationships. This is a completely different matter, because unlike alcohol, we do need relationships to survive. I'm not talking about romantic relationships (you can live without them!), but about parents, brothers or sisters, friendships. A baby who does not experience emotional warmth dies (this is really true, and you can read about it here). We need other people. But here too, we can go down the wrong path, because if I, as an adult woman, need that one partner/friend/parent/sister/... to feel worthy, to feel happy, or to not be in despair, then it is no longer God-given and I am stuck in myself. At the same time, we cannot run away from relationships and go through life completely alone, because that is not God's will either. We are made to enter into relationships. So, compared to alcohol, this is a much more difficult addiction (yes, “addiction” is an appropriate word here. I would not want to feed all those who are addicted to others!) We cannot just walk away from relationships, so balance is key here. Texting my sister all day long to get her love and attention? Not the best idea. Texting my sister, living my own life, calling a friend, having dinner with my parents, and checking later in the day to see if my sister has replied? That sounds much better! What also sounds really good is to go to therapy and/or to join a Twelve Step program (see also the bottom of the page at Be at peace with yourself).

• Food, and more specifically sugar and refined carbohydrates. I am, without a doubt, a real food addict. I could write a book about that topic alone! I tried countless diets and used tons of willpower, but it was all to no avail. I was completely powerless. When sugar is in the man, wisdom is in the can (I know, that's not how the saying goes, but I think this one is just as good!). I baked cupcakes during the day so that at 3 a.m., when the craving struck, I could satisfy my emotional and physical needs (yes! The shivering and weakness from sugar deprivation is real!). It goes without saying that I was overweight, not particularly mobile, and trapped in my body and mind. I felt very addicted to food, but couldn't see how to stop. Because—and this is the difference with alcohol—we need food. Without food, we'll die, so we can't just stop, same as with relationships. The solution for me was to completely eliminate sugar and refined carbohydrates (pasta, rice, bread, etc.) and replace them with lots of vegetables, meat, fish, eggs, milk, yogurt, fruit, etc. As a result, I no longer have cravings, but I do feel ordinary hunger around mealtimes (and no longer throughout the day). Three years ago, I lost about 35 kilograms this way, and I'm still at the same weight. What also helps me immensely is limiting myself to specific eating times. I still think about food a lot. That hasn't changed. Sometimes I'd like to seek comfort or consolation in a yogurt or a cup of warm milk, but I don't. I eat in the morning, at noon, and in the evening, and that's it. That makes it so much easier, because then I don't have to think about it anymore. I don't have to wonder whether or not I should eat. No meal, no food, period. As a result, my food addiction requires much less mental energy. And when I eat, during my three set mealtimes, I enjoy every bite! My meals are generous, colorful, and flavorful. Every meal is a feast, and I believe I deserve no less! But because of the three-meal limit, my mind doesn't run away with me and I actually experience peace of mind and freedom. Phew!

• My cell phone use. Oh la la, that's a tough one too. I've fought many mental battles with this, despite all my prayers! Then, against my better judgment, I expect God to give me exactly what I ask of Him, as if He were a sort of vending machine. I can assure you: He never takes the compulsion away from me! Here too, it is up to me to take action. For me, that means using an external app to block the most addictive apps on my cell phone whenever I feel that my behavior becomes compulsive. For me, those apps are Signal, Telegram, SMS, and Gmail. (Fortunately, I deleted WhatsApp two years ago, because it was really too draining for me. What an awful app! I also deleted Facebook and Instagram a long time ago, as I wrote earlier in Against the tide). I still activate that blocker several times a day. Sometimes for half an hour, sometimes for two hours, sometimes longer. And I have set an extra rule for myself, borrowed from my food program: I don't check messages between midnight and 6 a.m. (and since I often wake up at 3 a.m., that's really a thing for me). All of this helps me to be free from compulsion. Only then can I walk in God's footsteps and am I no longer bound by chains that I should never have been attached to in the first place.

Thank God I have been recovering and sober for years from the above addictions/compulsive behaviors, and was I able to apply the same measures to my writing obsession. So last Tuesday, I decided to start planning my writing neatly in my calendar. This way, I can no longer write "when it's urgent,” but only when my schedule allows, which will be a lot more balanced. This week, that meant only one writing session, but I found that to be a bit too little. So now I have to figure out what is right: two writing sessions per week? Three? God will guide me. I'll just have to see how it feels. And in the meantime? I'll use that blocker so I won't be tempted in between!

“A moment of peace of mind is better than anything else you could ever strive for”... What good is writing or having this blog if my soul is bound in chains? What is the meaning of life if I am trapped in it, in any way? Not much, I think. But when I take measures and pray for God's presence in that emptiness (because yes, it really does cause emptiness. Anyone who is addicted to sugar and hasn't eaten cookies for days knows what I mean. Anyone who is addicted to WhatsApp and blocks the app for two days and feels terribly isolated, too), then I am freed from the compulsion and can live the way God intended.

See you soon,
Nathalie

(Keep reading below the video. It's fun, I promise!)

I think the song “Heaven On This Earth” by Forrest Frank and Torey D'Shaun fits really well here!

According to the world-wise internet, Forrest Frank is referring here to his old office job, where he was depressed and decided to listen to God's calling to make (awesome!!) Christian music, which has given him a new zest for life and allowed him to experience a little bit of heaven on earth. Exactly. He gets it, guys!

I just took a break (okay)
And now it's back to work
God made a way, that's the only way it worked
I'ma walk His way ‘til they put me in the dirt
May Your kingdom come
As in heaven on this

Earth to me, just now it occurred to me
Hell gon’ burn like third-degree
If you know your history
Jesus paid that purse for me
And He took that curse for me
...