This morning I had an interesting little chat with a butterfly. I know, butterflies aren’t exactly everyday conversation partners—not even for me. But I did have one visiting, and I think you should talk to your visitors. My butterfly, though, was clear in its nonverbal communication: it would rather not be here. It made that clear by desperately pressing itself against my fly screen, hoping to find its way out. I decided to put him (or her?) out of his misery, so I grabbed a large glass and a small piece of cardboard to catch him and then release him back outside. But once I’d done that—caught him, that is—my quiet, timid butterfly suddenly turned into a frantic creature, fluttering desperately against the sides of the glass. So I said, without thinking: “You’re about to be set free. You just need to find a little inner peace.” Call it a coincidence, but the little creature really did fall still, and when I pulled the cardboard sheet away outside, it was able to fly off again in peace, out into the wide open sky.
I found what I said so striking that I even wrote it down right away. “You’re going to be set free. You just need to find a little inner peace.” It’s especially the order of things that I find interesting here: first find inner peace, and only then does freedom follow. I always thought it was the other way around—that I first had to be freed from my fears, resentment, or pain, and only then would I find inner peace.If everything around me were in order, then I would experience peace within myself. If everyone loved me, everyone accepted me, no one had an opinion about me, if I had no disagreements with anyone, and especially if everyone behaved the way I wanted them to and I could feel safe, then I would find inner peace.
And that’s not true. That’s something I’ve actually only known for a short while—not even a week, in fact. Over the past few weeks, I noticed how upset I was because a few situations and relationships weren’t going the way I wanted them to. I felt like a plaything of fate, of the world. I tried to control and manage it, but I couldn’t. And inner peace? That was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy last Monday that I realized I have to find peace within myself, separate from the world, and that by doing so, I can (and will) be freed from circumstances beyond my control.
Let me give a concrete example. About three weeks ago, on a Monday evening, I received an email from Bpost (the Belgian national postal service) saying that a registered letter was on its way to me. I don’t think I’ve ever received a registered letter before, so I immediately imagined the absolute worst: my landlord evicting me from my apartment, my government welfare benefits being cut off, and so on. I was really worried about that, so I decided to work on it using my routine: first I prayed, then I called someone so I could bring all my fears into the light, and then I prayed some more. That night I experienced God’s peace, and I was grateful for that, but by Tuesday morning, fear had really taken over again. I went for a walk to cope with it, prayed my heart out, but it just wasn’t working. I could feel how shallow my breathing was and how much it was unsettling me. Finally, the registered mail arrived, and guess what? It was a municipal administrative fine because sometime in January I’d accidentally put paper and cardboard out instead of plastic, metal and drink cartons. A 20-euro fine. Not at all like those terrible scenarios I’d been imagining: being homeless, standing in line at the food bank, …! Just a stupid fine. Then I felt really stupid. That I’d let myself get so carried away by panic and fear!
After talking in therapy about this “feeling of being at the mercy of others,” I decided I wouldn’t let myself be led into (or by?) fear like that anymore. It was a real decision. An “I’m sick of this, I want inner peace!” kind of strength that surfaced. A “not with me anymore!” kind of anger, too. That very evening—I kid you not!—I got another email from Bpost: another registered package was on its way. I actually laughed out loud at that. What a test! Well, this time I wasn’t going to let myself be tempted; I wasn’t going to let myself get carried away. I decided not to give in to my fear. It was there, sure, but it was a conscious decision not to feed it this time. To step away from the fear and the thoughts every time, and not overthink everything. I can’t push fear away, but I can say, “God, I give my fear to You. Take it away from me,” over and over again. And it worked: for most of the morning, I wasn’t thinking about it, and at times I even completely forgot about it. But then came the best part: after the mail carrier had delivered the letters here in the building that afternoon, my registered package simply wasn’t among them! According to the app, I had to wait another day. And then another day. And me? I had peace. A little anxiety, but also a lot of trust. God has got this. Making the conscious decision not to get caught up in those anxious thoughts made a world of difference. Focusing on other things helped too: drawing a new embroidery pattern and starting the new project, cleaning my apartment, going for a walk outside, meditating a lot, and chatting a lot with God and others. Finally, the letter arrived on Thursday, and it turned out to be just the payment details for that fine, while the previous letter had merely been a notification. I was so glad I hadn’t worried about it! If only that’s all it is!
“You’re going to be set free. You just need to find a little inner peace,” I said to the butterfly. First peace within me, then freedom. Not the other way around. Even when my external circumstances are uncertain, or when I’m dealing with difficult relationships. The Bible says our body is a temple of God’s Spirit, and I believe that’s true. God can dwell within me, as long as I surrender myself sufficiently to Him—by taking the right actions and living in trust. Or as we sometimes say in Twelve Step programs: “Take the actions, and the feelings will follow. Don’t wait for the feelings first!”
