And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.
Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book), 4th Edition, P. 417
The text above comes from the AA Big Book, which is pretty much the basic text for almost every twelve-step program. It is an excerpt from one of the many personal stories in the back of the book, and not part of the 'basic text' that makes up the first 164 pages*. Yet, it is one of the most frequently quoted passages in my fellowship. When I first heard it years ago, I actually found it strange and unfamiliar, but I kept hearing over and over how much people benefited from this approach. Because back then I still believed that other people possessed The Great Wisdom (cough, cough!) and I was just a fool who knew nothing about it, I followed their example. I learned this entire passage by heart so I could rattle it off like a mantra during difficult situations. Actually, it is a long piece of text that says nothing more than: 'Let me just treat myself like a doormat and be at peace with that'. Today, with good reason, I can say that living by this text (which I did for years!) not only delayed my recovery, but truly threw a serious wrench in the works. Maybe it's a helpful approach for other people, but for me, it never worked.
Yet, there is one sentence here that I believe is in the right place: 'Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake'. I certainly agree with that. I believe that God is good, and that He is pure love. And from the love that He is, has, and gives, He brings across our path what we need and when we need it. 'In everything there is a lesson that God wants to see me learn', one of my former sponsors used to say. Completely agree. But then comes the big question: what is the lesson He wants to see me learn? Why does He bring this person or situation across my path, and how does He want me to handle it?
I have never been a fighter myself. I never stood up for myself when my boundaries were crossed and just swallowed everything like a meek sheep. A little sheep that people just walk all over, trample, and then stomp on extra afterwards. One of those. And I just let it all happen. My emotional and even physical boundaries have been crossed more than once. And I was too polite to say anything about it. I was afraid that if I said something, people wouldn't like me anymore, or wouldn't love me anymore. So I accepted every boundary-crossing behavior as if it were the most normal thing in the world. And then I ended up in a twelve-step program where texts like the one above are worshiped as if they come from God Himself. And I listened. Indeed, once again like a meek sheep.
Only: the sheep is starting to push back seriously these days. The sheep is starting to get angry and is slowly but surely about to explode. It feels the urge to defend itself, to use its voice, to say: 'STOP!'.
I feel how it is engraved in my system to keep quiet and accept, just like the Big Book says. But I ALSO feel - and for the first time in my life stronger than what is engraved in me - that God no longer wants this for me. He didn't make me to be a voiceless sheep that lets her boundaries be crossed at all. On the contrary!
The past five nights I have barely slept. I wanted to. God, how I wanted to sleep. Afternoon naps didn't work either, no matter how hard I tried. My whole body is just so full of anger, and I can't get it out. I've already tried everything: writing resentment and fear inventories, taking long walks, shadowboxing and dancing to heavy music, praying, meditating, trying to fall asleep with relaxation music and guided meditations, making phone calls to bring everything into the light and let it go, breathing exercises, (EFT) tapping, ... Some things worked for a little while, but the great flow of anger remains present, and because of that, there is barely any sleep. Yet this is good. It is even very good, because it is energy that ensures that I stop letting my boundaries be crossed, and that makes me take actions to finally keep certain people at the appropriate distance.
Yet the battle to be fought is not mine. It is God's battle for me and through me. I suddenly had to think of David and Goliath just now. It is a story from the Old Testament in which the people of the Israelites are at war against the Philistines. The leader of the Philistines, Goliath, was a giant three meters tall. He was completely protected with shield and armor, and was shouting around that no one dared to attack him and no one could win against him. David, on the other hand, was a small Jewish shepherd boy, and the only reason he was anywhere near the battlefield was because his father had ordered him to bring food to his fighting big brothers. So David, that little spec, heard Goliath shouting how strong and invincible he was and wondered out loud (and I paraphrase here to increase readability): 'What does that Philistine think? That he dares to just insult the army of the living God! Because of someone like him we must not lose heart. I will go into battle with him!'.
I can just picture the scene, and it is laughable: a small shepherd boy - who, by the way, has protected his father's flocks from lions and bears several times with a single slingshot - versus an armed and protected giant 3 meters tall. Only the question is: who is the one who is truly protected? The giant with his bronze helmet and armor, or little David who had the protecting hand of God over him?
The outcome of the story is quite well known: little David took some flat stones from the river, put them in his pocket, and while praying out loud to God, he shot one of those stones very hard against Goliath's forehead. The stone immediately knocked the giant unconscious, after which David killed Goliath with his own sword. Because he who digs a pit for another...
There is no way - no waaaaaaay! - that David could win this battle on his own. Impossible. But with God's help, even a small shepherd boy can defeat a giant. With God's help I, Nathalie, can defeat my giants. On my own strength, based on my experiences and with the great presence of my fears, I cannot do it. Really, really, really not. But with God's strength and guidance, I can. And you know what? I have already done it. I am doing it. Ha! The last few weeks I have set boundaries on several people's behavior. Behavior that I consider an ever-recurring trigger, behavior that every single time says that I am a meek sheep that has no voice or will of its own. I have set boundaries on THAT behavior. Not on my own strength, but through God's strength. I felt it every time: that combination of deep peace and powerful energy that told me I had to do it, that He had my back. And it was true, because in none of those situations did the Goliath standing over me conquer me, on the contrary. I, little David, won the battle with a single stone and a powerful and sincere prayer.
Right now I am facing such a situation again, and it has triggered an insane amount of fear and anger in me since yesterday morning. But suddenly I realize that I am not the one who has to fight the battle. I have to pray and shoot the stone in the slingshot. That is all. When? In God's time, and certainly not in mine. But one thing is certain: I WILL shoot the stone!
*Yet there is one small side note I want to make: in the first 164 pages - the basic text of AA, written by founder Bill Wilson - a completely different tone is struck than in some of the personal stories in the back of the book. Those pages actually contain a lot of things that do help me, and which are precisely the reason why I find the Twelve Steps and the program around them so wonderful and helpful! A few examples are:
"As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone." (p. 83)
and
"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (p. 68)