Built on a Rock

About two weeks ago, I wrote about my time on the psychiatric ward back in 2020, and about how incredibly empty I felt when I first walked in there. I was suicidal and at the end of my rope. I had completely lost track of who I was, yet the psychologist asked me to write down five things I liked every single day for a week. Me—the then-completely-emptied-out-box-Nathalie—had to somehow conjure up 35 things out of thin air that I liked. It felt impossible, but surprisingly, I was able to do it. I remember those papers hanging on the wall of my hospital room—divided into days and, of course, neatly numbered—inviting me to jot something down whenever a thought crossed my mind.

After writing that blog post recently, I suddenly felt called to repeat this exercise, but this time a more extensive, deeper version of it. We are almost seven years down the road for a reason, after all! I grabbed two sheets of paper, a pen, and a roll of washi tape, and wrote down:

• My talents (with 30 blank numbers, so just as many potential talents!)
• My preferences: what do I like? (also 30)
• Who am I? (15)
• My pitfalls (15)

I taped my papers to the living room wall and started writing like crazy. And that is a testimony in itself! Almost seven years ago, I could barely think of anything in just one category ('what do I like?'), and today, I can write down an incredible amount across four different categories, even under my talents. Even though I was taught in my youth that you shouldn't really 'brag' about things like that, today I know that I am allowed to. I am somebody and I have something to offer to the world, and that is nothing to be (falsely) modest about. Just as I have been given unique talents, everyone on this earth has them too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing them in ourselves, highlighting them, and above all: using them! If we can all play our part by bringing out the best in ourselves, how much more would we have to offer to ourselves and our fellow human beings?

The fact that I am somebody today, that I have a variety of talents and interests, is not something that just dropped out of the sky. It is the result of years of therapy and twelve-step recovery, where I learned to let myself be known, defined, and brought to bloom by God. He planted every trait, every talent inside me, and taught me to discover and develop them. Because He wants me to be happy, to be somebody, and to be steadfast and grounded in Him and myself. I am not 'nothing' or 'nobody'; I am His beloved daughter.

That, by the way, is the very first thing I wrote down under 'Who am I?': I am a child of God. It was simply the first thing that came to mind. The next part flowed naturally from that: 'Always loved by Him, always cared for, never abandoned or condemned'. My entire being is defined by Him, which makes my foundation rock-solid, so that the storms of life can no longer blow me over. My house is now built on a rock, and no longer on sand.

I deliberately chose to call the last category 'pitfalls', and not 'shortcomings' or 'character defects' like we say in twelve-step programs. I don't really care for the whole 'I am a sinner and need to be cleaned up' concept. I believe we are all beautiful children of an amazing God, but that we all get caught up or carried away, to a greater or lesser extent, by influences that do not come from Him. For some, this is very severe and they are capable of destroying lives; for others, it's about smaller things that occasionally hurt themselves or others. We all fall into those traps sometimes, but my own experience is that it all becomes much less and much smaller as long as I focus on Him and on what is good. By spending time in prayer and meditation, having creative hobbies, surrounding myself with the right people, and being good to others (without being too good and letting people take advantage of me—one of my very biggest pitfalls!)

Alright, here is a selection of what I wrote on my now-oh-so-important papers...!

When I read all of this, I can immediately feel a major difference in my core between the first three columns and the last one. With the first three, I feel energy flowing through me, I feel it flow. With the last one, I feel pain, sadness, and something twisting inside of me. This is why I try to focus as much as possible in my life on the good, on the life-giving, on what makes me grow instead of looking at what tears me down.

That is also exactly why I wrote all of this down, taped it to my wall, and have left it hanging there for two weeks now: I want to be visually reminded every single day of who I am. Normally, I know all of this, and I don't need the reminder. But sometimes, life gives us noticeably more lemons than usual, and then it is a matter of staying very, very well grounded. Praying and talking to others about my problems and emotions is incredibly helpful and necessary. Crocheting, walking, embroidering, and practicing good self-care are too. But I have found this extra tool to be truly very helpful over the past few weeks. No matter what happens, no matter what opinions others may have of me: I know who I am, and I won't just let myself be torn down. I am rock-solid, because God is too. He holds onto me and leads me along safe paths. Always, always, always. Always.

This past week, I discovered this song. It's a shame that it's completely AI-generated, but that doesn't take away from the fact that both the lyrics and the music have guided me through some difficult moments. I highly recommend the song; it's great to listen to (especially the chorus, starting at 0:53!).

If I lose it all, I still got what matters.
Peace in the mirror when the whole world shatters.
I don't walk by sight, I walk by belief.
If He brought me this far, He won't leave me in the deep.
They ask me how I keep it moving, I tell them: God got me, God got me. I say: God got me, God got me.