For the first time in nearly a year, I recently decided to attend a church service. Not a Catholic mass like I used to, but a service at a non-denominational church. Honestly, the label doesn’t really matter to me; the point is that I immersed myself in religion once again.
And religion, as I know all too well, simply doesn’t work for me. Yet, I started going to this church, and I kept going for a few weeks. I enjoyed being around other Christians, and above all, I loved having more people around me. Still, it had an undeniably negative impact on me: I felt high almost constantly. High on dopamine, high on spiritual bliss, and high on that feeling of "connect with me and make me whole." It’s a bad combination, and ultimately, a bad experience (no matter how "good" it felt at times!). Because the more I feel supposedly filled with God's infinite love, the less I actually live in surrender. When I’m constantly high on that feeling, I don’t even think about turning my will and my life over to God. Yet, in my experience, that is exactly what the spiritual life is all about. When I stop submitting every small decision to God, I lose my way. I start doing things I don’t want to do—things that are bad for me.
And I’m not alone in this. This past week, I listened to the stories of several other churchgoers, and they all told me the exact same thing: they are deeply faithful, highly active in the church, or dedicated to reading the Bible, but they are still actively acting out in their addiction. They do things they don’t actually want to do, things that cause them deep pain and sorrow. Three different people told me this personally in a span of just a few days.
And I get it. I understand them completely. Because I am exactly the same. No matter how strong my faith is, and no matter how much I want to surround myself with people who share that faith, I fall for that trap of spiritual bliss every single time. And then, I too start doing things I don't want to do, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the strength of my faith—just like with theirs! This time, it was triggered by consuming a lot of Scripture, but a few months ago, it happened by meditating for hours a day and getting caught up in that exact same bliss.
And I get it. I understand them completely. Because I am exactly the same. No matter how strong my faith is, and no matter how much I want to surround myself with people who share that faith, I fall for that trap of spiritual bliss every single time. And then, I too start doing things I don't want to do, even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the strength of my faith—just like with theirs! This time, it was triggered by consuming a lot of Scripture, but a few months ago, it happened by meditating for hours a day and getting caught up in that exact same bliss.
That spiritual bliss feels amazing. It feels like a mountain-top experience, like being "drunk on God's love." But when I’m caught up in it, I unconsciously stop making room for what I’m actually feeling. There is no room for surrender, transformation, or healing. Everything is just good and fun, and I start viewing ordinary life as "boring or mundane." It’s a way of living that I recognize from my past, and it was neither good nor right.
Daring to sit with what I truly feel is the only way to move forward, the only way to grow. That means that every single day, in every single moment, I need to ask myself what God’s will is for me, and then act accordingly. To me, that is the true meaning of faith and authentic spirituality.
Of course, I’m not alone in this. Jesus Himself showed us the way thousands of years ago. It’s what the spiritual life is all about. Millions of people around the world live this way. Some manage to do it within religious institutions (hats off to them!), others do it in their respective twelve-step communities, and many others find completely different ways to achieve the exact same thing.
Personally, I’ve learned I can’t do it when religion is involved, and I can’t do it without a twelve-step community (been there, done that!). I need to be surrounded every day by people who are trying to turn their will and their lives over to God. People who share, with complete honesty and openness, the ups and downs that come with that process, but who also bear witness to just how rewarding the journey truly is.
(Continue reading below the pin)
This past weekend, I reached out to a few people to ask for their experience, strength, and hope on this topic. (To be honest, I don’t even know them that well, and looking back, I don't even know why I even asked them...). One person made it very clear that he thought I was overthinking everything and that I just needed to learn to relax. At the time, his comment felt incredibly hurtful. But in hindsight, I can see it simply reflects where he currently is on his own spiritual journey, rather than being "the ultimate truth."
The reality is that the spiritual life isn't about bliss. It hurts, and it requires courage, but it is the only path to peace, healing, and transformation. It is a path I genuinely want to walk, because in the end, it is so much better and more comfortable than the alternative.
It reminds me of the song "Ark" by Leeland and Vanessa Hill. It is, of course, based on Noah’s Ark and the flood that washed away the earth—except for Noah and his family, who listened to what God commanded them to do, and were able to live on because of it.
Hear them laughingMaking jokesWhile I work on my boatThey say "why you wasting, all this time"There's not a cloud in the sky"
Then all the suddenThrough all the noiseI hear a still small voice
Saying build yourself an arkLet Me heal your broken heartSo when the floodwaters riseAnd the sun goes darkYou'll be safe in My arms
I truly love this song, and I listen to it often. Because to me, this is what it’s all about: being allowed to take refuge in God's love and presence, letting my broken heart heal, and being safe in His arms. Because when times get tough—and we can be absolutely sure they will—we now have a safe place to hide. In His arms, in His love. The place where healing and transformation happen. Everything else will follow from there. I can only imagine how much more beautiful, better, and simpler life will become one day. I’m not there yet, but I know it’s coming; I’m sure of it.
Yet, knowing that things will get easier one day isn't something I’ve always known. I used to just assume that life would be a lifelong, exhausting struggle. But a while ago, I stumbled upon a column on Traumanet, and it was a true eye-opener for me. The entire piece is beautiful, but the last two paragraphs really hit home. Since the column was originally written in Dutch, I've provided the full translation below:
"You can't imagine it right now, but a day will come when you are no longer at the mercy of your inner storms. A day when you will finally understand that what is happening inside of you is what triggers the anxiety and despair. That what you currently experience as inner storms is simply a logical reaction to early, profound circumstances.
Right now, this is how you experience it: at completely random moments, you are suddenly knocked off your feet by something dark and unfamiliar. You are constantly looking over your shoulder on the inside. Things can go well for days, and then suddenly—you’re pulled under. Or you carry that heaviness with you for weeks on end, only to experience, in a split second and for no apparent reason, the clouds parting and everything lighting up. At times, it feels almost apocalyptic.
You look for logic, constantly. Because you don’t want to live this way. Because your fierce nature refuses to just survive. Because you feel it: who I truly am is locked inside. I want out, I have to get out, I have so much to do in this lifetime. You think there’s a code you will crack one day, wrapping your brain around a self-made mathematical formula: how to live in these times with your sensitive nature?
More exercise, more rest. Less intellectual stimulation, more casual small talk (but how?). Or maybe the other way around? Eating healthier, more guilty pleasures—but not too much, and what exactly qualifies as too much? More social connections, more distractions. Or maybe more solitude to reduce the stimulation? More meditation, more self-reflection, or maybe looking inward less often…
But no matter how hard you try, those inner storms cannot be captured by the statistics you’ve patched together. In fact, there is nothing you can change about yourself or your attitude to make the danger back down. Because there is truly nothing wrong with you.
One day, not too far from now, it will suddenly hit you. The truth of what once happened to you will strike you like lightning. It will both crush you and set you free. Once you feel, down to your very core, that none of it was ever your fault, and that the inner storms all along were just a logical reaction to a real danger that once existed, you will finally stop that tireless, exhausting battle against yourself.
You can't imagine it right now, but one day you will be free because you know the truth. And from that day forward, step by step, you will liberate the person you have always been."
Something to look forward to, don't you think?
Reacties
Reactie plaatsen