My God is so good and oh so patient with me. He gives me the space to fall, to discover, and to get back up again. And He does that every single time with so much gentleness and love, but also with a big, fat—yet loving—wink.
In my previous blog post, I wrote about how acceptance is not the answer. In my 12-step community, people tend to easily throw around that quote from the AA Big Book, telling us we just need to accept people, situations, and things, otherwise we won't find serenity. In my opinion, it’s a quote that is unfortunately often used at inappropriate times. Sometimes I share painful and emotional things with others, only to be told that I need to pray it away and just accept the other person and life. Lately, I've been learning that this really isn't true, which is exactly what I wrote about just a few days ago. But as convinced as I am of that, my dearest God has since tempered my anger a bit and managed to bring some nuance to my thinking. Hallelujah!
God never makes mistakes. Never. And there is a lesson God wants me to learn in everything. I am truly convinced of that. Well, many lessons have been learned over the past few days! In fact, there were several moments when things didn't go the way I expected, or how I thought they should go, and I instinctively thought: "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake."
I just automatically rattled off the whole mantra, even though I was resisting it so hard just a few days ago! And you know what? That wasn't a bad thing at all! Every time, it made me smile, simply because God has such a sense of humor. He never lets me down and wants to see me grow, wants the best for me, and above all: wants me to stop thinking in black-and-white. He wants me to bring nuance into my thoughts, feelings, and life.
Alright, here we go!
The Tote Bag
Three months ago, I bought a DIY embroidery kit at Action (a dollar store). This kit included a pre-printed tote bag (!) and yarn for only 2.99 euros. Since I was at a point where I wasn't feeling challenged enough by my embroidery projects, it felt like a gift from heaven, so I immediately bought a few of those kits. For that kind of money, you really can't go wrong, if you ask me! For three months, pretty much every single day, I worked on one of those tote bags. Easily count on about 90 to 120 hours of handiwork in total. Last week it was finally finished, and I was truly thrilled with the result! Taking it outside and using it to express myself as a person felt really good. Foolishly enough, I hadn't taken it into account at all, but yesterday it turned out that the quality of that (ridiculously cheap and 100% polyester) tote bag was so incredibly bad that it started pilling like crazy. After barely five days of use! Not just the back—which rubs against your back and arm—but also the front that I was so proud of. Immediately, "Acceptance is the answer" raced through my mind, but also what I had written myself in my previous blog post: I don't have to just sit around and take it. I can and must accept that a certain fact is what it is, but that doesn't mean I have to sit there crying and complaining like a helpless little victim about how unfair life is. So my prayer immediately became a question: "What now, God? Toss this bag with my other tote bags to gather dust, or keep using it knowing it will look terrible within a week?" And while I often present options A and B to God, He usually has a better idea with option Z than I ever could have come up with myself! Yesterday was no different. Suddenly, the idea hit me that I had a large picture frame lying around somewhere, and that I could cut out the tote bag and frame it. I can tell you: putting the scissors into that tote bag took a ridiculous amount of courage, but when God says so... After a good half hour of crafting, I suddenly had a little piece of art hanging on my wall, and I am incredibly grateful that the tote bag started pilling so much. I'd rather see my own work hanging on the wall for the rest of my life than carry a tote bag that can get dirty in the wind and rain!
I am grateful that I could just calmly accept reality as it is, instead of stubbornly ignoring it, and that I received the courage to act upon it.
Brompton
A few years ago, I bought a Brompton for my daily commute. It’s a very solid—and therefore expensive—folding bike that folds up so compactly that you can easily slide it under your seat on a packed train. Back then, because of my daily commute to Leuven, it was absolutely necessary. I got a lot of use out of it at the time, but unfortunately, just a few months after buying it, I had to stop working permanently. Since I don't have a car and still took the train often back then, I kept actively using the bike. But because my life has become a lot quieter over the past year and a half, the bike has just been sitting there gathering dust. Literally. I felt the time was ripe to sell it, so two weeks ago, I listed it on a few online marketplaces. Brand new, these bikes cost at least 1,700 euros, and I bought it secondhand myself at the time (though the previous owner had only used it once!) for 1,200 euros. After consulting with a local bike shop, I decided to list it for 1,000 euros. I truly expected that bike to be gone in no time. But, as we often say in the 12-step world: "Expectations are premeditated resentments." So, the art is to expect nothing.
I received several ridiculous offers for my bike (600 euros! That’s 400 euros below the asking price!), and even two phishing emails along the lines of: "Click the button I'll send you through the site and that will complete my payment. Then you can ship the bike via DHL." Well, I was seriously ticked off by all those messages! Are there really no serious people left in the world?! But here too, I felt God saying to me: "Nathalie, accept that this is how it is, and accept that you will get dozens more of these kinds of messages. Don't let it upset you. But stand your ground, and stop responding to those messages. Ignore them, let them blow over, and the right buyer will show up at the right time. I want you to grow first. I want you to stop always responding so nicely and politely, trying to keep everyone happy. Set boundaries."
And so—and I'm actually really proud of myself for this!—I updated my listing and wrote that offers below 1,000 euros will not be accepted, and that people should not expect a reply to those kinds of messages. So there!
I cannot change how people are, or how they react to situations. I truly have to accept that. Getting upset about it is a total waste of energy. Acceptance is the answer. But victimhood is not. I was given a voice, and I am allowed to use it too. That is, of course, what my entire previous blog post was about, except back then it came from a place of deep anger within me. Today—just for today—that anger seems to have transformed into serenity and acceptance. Thank God!
Disrupted Sleep
One very last one, just for fun...!
Lately, I’ve been sleeping poorly again. I’m often awake around 3 a.m., and falling back asleep is impossible. Last week, it was still due to the crazy anger rushing through me, but today that is absolutely no longer the case. I’m just awake early. Why, I don't know. I do what I can to fall back asleep, including guided meditations and listening to sleep-inducing Bible verses, but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. It happened again just a little while ago, and while I was initially getting frustrated, I suddenly heard God say: "Acceptance is the answer." Oh, He has a sense of humor, barely two days after I blogged that acceptance is not the answer! So, I just accepted it for what it was and decided to simply enjoy my wakeful night. I put on some fun music and decided to bake pancakes! By the way, after a lot of trial and error, I finally perfected my self-invented sugar-free wheat germ pancake recipe (what a mouthful!), but because they kept failing in a regular large skillet, I decided to buy a new one. This was my first test, and I am super happy with it!
Conclusion
I think my dearest God was clear enough with me: 'Nathalie, sometimes things are just the way they are, and for your own peace of mind, it’s better to simply accept them. Getting upset is useless. But that doesn't mean you can't take action—no. It just means you have no control over people or situations, and that I am inviting you to be creative in how you approach the problem. I don't want you to just swallow it and accept it like a meek sheep. I want the absolute best for you. But you are the one who has to actually do it, not Me.'
And once again—for the umpteenth time—I find my way back to the Serenity Prayer.
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
And now, I’m finally going to taste my pancakes! So exciting!
