‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade’. It’s a well-known saying, and you might think it was the inspiration for this blog, but that’s not the case. The name of this blog popped into my head during a time when I was playing the song 'Lemonade' by Forrest Frank on repeat. In it, he sings: ‘Life gave me some lemons, but my Jesus, He be makin’ lemonade'.
Well, mine hasn't always been an easy life either, and I've been reminded of that a lot these past few days. , and I’ve been reminded of that often over the past few days. Some traumatic experiences resurfaced, and with them, the emotional pain. These experiences mainly took place between the ages of 25 and 30, which—thank God—is now more than six years ago. The fact that the memories are coming back is good, very good indeed. Suppressing pain and trauma is like holding a balloon underwater: as long as you keep pushing, it stays down, but it takes a lot of energy. But the moment you let go, the balloon pops up, and higher than you want. And that it happens is inevitable... through dreams, a scent that reminds you of a (traumatic) event, a gesture or expression from someone, ...
So I’m glad that memories are surfacing, and for the first time in years, I’ve also talked about them with a number of people. Only in that way—by bringing them into the light—do they fade from the darkest corners of my soul, and healing can take place. But: it hurts. It hurts a lot. And then I have to keep my eyes fixed on God. Then I have to dwell in His presence even more than usual and experience His healing power, but I also have to consciously focus on glimmers. Because glimmers—the good things in my life that, when I pay attention to them, calm my nervous system—are gifts from God. It’s His way of saying: "Look at the people, the things, the creation I have given you. Look at how much abundance there is, especially for you. That’s because I love you, because I rescued you from that old life and wanted something much better for you. Just look at it, and enjoy it. It is I, and I work through other people.” God with skin on, as we sometimes say in the Twelve Step world.
So here it is, the inevitable sequel to glimmers-update #1... glimmers-update #2 (or just how creative a blog post title can be, huh)!
1. Sunset
On Thursday evening, I was completely at a loss with myself, even after a half-hour meditation, so I decided to hop on my bike and cycle to the riverbank again. I had read somewhere that there’s often a beautiful sunset to be seen there, so I hoped I’d be just in time for it. And sure enough! It made me quiet, but not necessarily happier. I was still stuck in my own head. Suddenly I had an inspiration (God at work?) to put on the first track of the album How To Start a Housefire (by Housefires). That first track isn’t a song, but something much better. You can listen to it below this photo. Combine the two, and you’ve got something good going on. It really helped me to see and experience that there is something much bigger in the cosmos than my little problems. Anyway, I went home like a completely different person. A glimmer? Yep.
2. A little flower pot full of love
On Monday, my best friend gave me my birthday present, and I absolutely loved it! Apparently, she was inspired by my earlier blog posts about glimmers (I kid you not! Isn’t that suuuuper cool?!), so she wanted to give me an extra glimmer. So she signed up for a “Pottery Painting Workshop,” where she could pick out a piece of pottery and paint it, which was then fired in a kiln afterward. It was the perfect gift, because I can use the little pot both as a flower pot (since I have quite a few plants!) and as a teacup (which I’m also totally crazy about). I think it’s so sweet that she went to paint that for me, and I think the result is really cute. It’s now in my living room, as a little flower pot. It makes me so happy when I look at it. Glimmer? Yessss!
3. Understanding and Acceptance
I have a few family gatherings coming up, which have been causing me a lot of stress for months. I keep bringing them up to God in my prayers, and I try to remind myself that it’s one day at a time, and that those overwhelming gatherings (and even real parties) aren’t happening today. These are events that involve either large crowds, very loud music, or a very long commute (which already exhausts me before I even arrive). That’s why I really wasn’t looking forward to these gatherings, even though I love my family dearly and would like to be there for them. By God's grace and goodness, I eventually decided to have this conversation—both with my dad and stepmom, and with my mom and stepdad. And all four of them had the same reaction: understanding, acceptance, and love. They told me not to force myself and that it’s really totally okay if I stay home, and that we’ll celebrate the events afterward in a much smaller circle. Without music, a disco ball, or a living room packed with sixty people. Just going out for ice cream somewhere, or having lunch together. For me, this is truly God with skin on. Knowing that I can just be myself without having to force it really makes a wave of love wash over me. Glimmer? I think so!
4. Soothing music
A few weeks ago, I found the perfect background music. It was quite a search, and I now have a long playlist with all kinds of background music, depending on my mood. But the music you can hear below is really the one that seems to calm me the most. It’s perfect while biking through the city, while crocheting on the couch, or simply while cleaning up or cooking or something like that. I’ve also used it to meditate. It calms my soul, and I really consider that a little glimmer, a gift from God.
5. A tiny, beating heart
On Monday, I had the incredible pleasure of accompanying my best friend, who is pregnant, to her gynecologist appointment. Her partner was ill and couldn’t go with her, so she asked if I, as the future godmother, would like to go instead. Uh, YES! I hadn’t expected it at all, but when I saw and heard that little chipmunk’s heart beating during the ultrasound, I was truly overwhelmed by a wave of love. With every fiber of my being, I felt and knew: I am going to love her so incredibly much. Exactly as I felt seven years ago when I held my sister’s little boy in my arms for the first time. I felt so much love in that moment, and the tears flowed accordingly. It was a feeling that goes deeper than you can rationally comprehend, and I am grateful for moments like these. Grateful that I get to be a godmother again, grateful for the love, for the trust, for the friendship with my friend, and for life in general. This event and memory is absolutely a glimmer!
‘Life gave me some lemons, but my Jesus, He be makin’ lemonade', sings Forrest Frank. Well, it’s true. I’ve been dealt plenty of lemons in life, but where does it get me to focus on that today, to drown in that sadness? Nowhere. Still, I think it’s important not to suppress it, to let it come to the surface, and to share it—at the right time and place—with others. Finding the balance between processing and transforming it, or feeling it and drowning in it, isn’t always easy. But when I process it and then focus on what God is doing in my life, and how incredibly much better and richer He has made it, then I can only say that Forrest Frank is right. Life gave me some lemons, but my Jesus, He’s making lemonade!
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